party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
