I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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