Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I did not marry a roomba.
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