i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
