You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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