i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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