I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
