Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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