I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
