I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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