she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
