A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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