Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
