I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
