my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
