i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
