Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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