yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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