Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
