So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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