eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
