The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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