Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
