Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
