I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
