It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I believe in your delicious
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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