There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
