is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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