thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
