It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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