my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
