Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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