My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My liver just had a heart attack.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
