every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
