I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
