I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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