Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This show inspires me to have sex in space
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
