The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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