So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
