Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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