The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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