he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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