it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
