Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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