By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Jerry, you need to find god
Only a mothe r could love this liver
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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