May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
