i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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