so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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