youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
