he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i will never coherently bang her
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
