I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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