dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
