U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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