I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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