You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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