Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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