Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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