Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
