I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
