I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
my liver is dry heaving
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
