I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize