Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Can I color on your dick again?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
