hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
