At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
