Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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