What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
